Monday, October 16, 2006

your most terrifying moment...

Saint Louis, Missouri

So I have been having a lengthy conversation with Luke (from St. Louis) over here. We started out in some sort of debate about theology (at least that is how it seemed to me) which occurred because I rather don't like Dietrich Bonhoffer, and Luke rather does. I started to feel my attention drifting (as is bound to happen with me when theology becomes too much the subject of a conversation). Wanting to refocus, I thought "I know, I'll ask a question the answer to which is sure to interest me." So off the top of my head I asked "What is the most terrifying moment you ever experienced?" I was hoping to be spellbound--enchanted--something which Christine Wicker says we all have a huge desire for in her newish book "Not in Kansas Anymore". And then I thought--hmmm--what's my answer?

The most terrrified I can ever remember being was a 2 day period a little before Megan and I were wed on Nov 25, 2000. I awoke one morning--awoke quite suddenly--with the feeling of a ton of bricks piled directly atop my chest and the voice of god in my head. He was saying "Benjamin--guess what? I am going to require you to tell megan all your scariest darkest most horrible secrets before you get married." this is the only time in my life when god has ever spoken to me in such a commanding way--it wasn't as if he were giving me any choice--it was just that I had to do it, period. And I knew exactly what horrible secrets he was talking about. And I knew that telling them to Megan would hurt her mega enormously. I was completely terrified more than I ever had been. It wasn't that I was afraid she would hate me or not want to to marry me or stuff like that (although that came into it). It was just the horrifying fact that I would be hurting her so. In fact, I was so terrified that I made an appointment with a cousellor to talk with them before I talked to Megan. As it turned out, my fear was well founded. And yet, I am gigaprofoundly grateful that god made me do that, because it somehow helped create the space for our marriage to be and become the astonishingly beautiful/delightful thing that it is. god is very good to me (sometimes...)

So what is your most terrifying moment?

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