"what do I want?"

So I came to understand something about myself this weekend. I went to the OM Ships alumni reunion here in Seattle this weekend. There were perhaps 30 people there who had all served as volunteers at some point in the past 40 years on board OM ships. For those of you who don't know, back when I was generally over 50% Christian, I spent 2 years (1998-2000) working as a volunteer on board MV Logos II, a ship with an all volunteer crew of 200 people from 40 different nations. The experience was a lot like any human experience--that is to say, a combination of the good, the bad, and the ugly.

This morning after breakfast Myles (who, by the way, is another one of the people who has on a couple of occasions has created that lovely space that I spoke of in the George Macdonald post) invited us all to share one or two memories from our time on board the ship. The first two people who spoke shared these lovely, uplifting, encouraging, hopeful memories. I was sitting there trying to decide wether I should A. get up and leave or B. Say something quick. This was because my two strongest memories from LOGOS II are from just before my wife (then girlfriend) Megan and I were rudely and painfully kicked off (read: excommunicated) the ship and sent "home" (whatever the hell that meant at that point). In other words, my prominent memories were (still, after 6 years!) pretty freaking painful and negative. And with my overwhelming horror at fakeness and pictures of reality that are massively tilted towards the positvie etc. (read happy happy joy joy "Jesus took my burdens and he rolled them in the sea, never to remember anymore"), I wasn't coping very well with the idea of sitting there listening to another 10 or 12 or 15 people in a row share their happy happy joy joy memories. Well, gracious Myles noticed my agitation and graciously and very gently urged me to share. So I did--I told them the story. And they responded very graciously, mostly by other people getting up and sharing some of their painful memories and "thankyou, Benjamin, because I wasn't gonna say anything" and from the leaders of the alumni organization "Thankyou, Benjamin, because this is what we were hoping these reunions would be like", and so forth.

However, the second person who responded to me said "so what can we do for you, Benjamin--what are you looking for from us?". To which I responded, at that time, "I'm not looking for anything--I just can't stand unbalanced views of reality.". But afterwards I realized that I was looking for something from them, and what's more, I actually received what I was looking for. And it was that *they* honestly share their stories with me.
This was a lovely realization. My overwhelming dislike of happy happy joy joy is rootedly connected with my enormous need for REAL connection with other people. And when I am in a social setting and feeling (as I *often* do) like I can't stand another minute of all the fakeness and superficiality and positivity, this isn't just a negative/dislike thing, it's a reflection of a hugish desire for a good/like thing. That's me.